I sometimes take life for granted. I complain about the most basic and silly things, like I cant go out for dinner four times this month, or I cant buy a new pair of jeans. But I never stop to think and say thank you that I am still alive, that I have been born and am here. A girl in our office fell pregnant after being married for a few months, so they had this euphoric thing going on already and now she is pregnant, with another human being growing inside her. Well from the first scan it is only a dot, so she has a little dot growing inside her. Yesterday she went for her second scan and found out the dot stoped growing at 6 weeks. Its dead and no more. Today she is in hospital having it removed. It is extremely sad and discerning that life can end just as quickly as it had begun. I cant even imagine what kind of stress and pain she is going through, physically, mentally and emotionally. She was so excited. Life is so precious and we must cherish it every day. We must be glad to be alive and be thankful to be here.
Why is it so daunting to look for a new job? I look at ads for jobs and see things like Advertising Sales required, and my throat closes and my mouth dries up and my stomach turns. Purely because I have been in the travel industry all my life and have been bound by the industry to serve it until my day comes to ascent to Heaven. I will be going to Heaven, because working in the travel industry is all the Hell any person can take. Why do I not have the courage to go for a job in another industry, even if I have no experience? Maybe its because I don't think I can do the job. But I think that of any job I take on. Ok, so the self pity has ended, and I am going to lunch now.
I had supper last night at Tristan's mom who lives in Claremont with his aunt. The aunt is a real animal lover, and has a cat, two dogs and a Vietnamese potbelly pig, called Tuyen (not sure about spelling). Its the cutest piece of 80kg bacon I have ever seen. She is completely house trained, has her own room, and comes when she is called and even spoke to us in the kitchen. She is so sweet. The cat used to love speaking to the humans in the house and always sat on every bodies laps, but since the pig arrived, the cat does not leave her side. The cat sleeps with the pig, eats in the same room, runs around with her. It was a very nice dinner, with very good entertainment, especially the pig and the butterfly catching dog.
I was listening to the radio this morning, and a guy from Ghana phoned in to the show to talk about the Xenophobic attacks. He said he cant believe the mentality and attitude of the South African black people. He said that this is the only African country where the men are very willing to stay at home and do nothing, and depend on the woman to support them. He also said that this is the only place he knows of where the government gives free food, free houses to the unemployed. In his country they have to work for a house, and build it themselves. This is a very interesting point. Where does social responsibility end. Are we as South Africans all participating in social responsibility purely out of guilt for the past, and when are we going to stop feeling guilty. Should we be perpetuating the poverty be giving the poor more crutches to lean on. Give them a house, give them food. Don't teach them to work for anything, coz they can just get it for free. I am not sure where I stand regarding this issue, but I think I agree with the fact that its not very viable to give poor people everything accept the tools and knowledge to work. As a child I listened to many horror stories about how my grandparents had to suffer and work two or three jobs just to survive and feed their families. What is so different from then and now. Why could we as white people, in the apartheid government, have to work so hard and suffer so much, when today, in a democratic and equal South Africa, you can get it all without even trying hard....but only if you are black...and a South African. I think we should stop feeling guilty about apartheid, and start working to get everybody equal and on the same departure point. And I don't think we are going to get there by giving them houses and food. Its not called WORKING towards upliftment for nothing.
Well last night was a very emotional Monday night for me. The 2 hours of Grey's Anatomy killed me. I was laughing, crying, getting annoyed and that was just with the add breaks.... Then there was The History Boys. I started watching it and it seemed a bit slow, so we watched Out in Africa, and that picked up very quickly, but then we watched the last few minutes of History Boys, and it seemed like such a great movie. Very emotional night for me. So today I am feeling like I was hit by a bus last night, or like I went "Friday night" last night and paying for it today. I want to go back to bed.
What did you do for Africa day today. Did you explore a new African restaurant? Did you watch an African movie on MNET Africa? Did you buy something at one of the African markets? Did you wear your once off African shirt you bought in Zanzibar? Did you feel proud to be African? Did you spare a thought for other Africans being killed and put out of their homes? Did you give support or food or shelter to an African being killed and put our of their home? Did you kill an African on Africa Day?
As a South African today, I am very worried about the state of our country. These xenophobia attacks that have been happening are busy dragging our country through the mud. As far as I can understand, these attacks are coming from South Africans who are trying to get rid of the foreigners because, according to the south African black community, they are taking their jobs, houses, woman...the problem is however that these foreigners are actually willing to WORK to get get money and so buy all these these houses and woman. The problem as I see it, is that the black South Africans don't want to work, bu they don't want anybody else to work either. They expect to just get things handed to them on a platter. The other issue is when you Google xenophobia, the first hit on Google is 'South African Xenophobic attacks'. Is this the legacy we leave to the world. Coming from being synonymous with apartheid, to synonymous with Xenophobia. Happy Africa day South Africa!!!!
Well, I have had an "uhm friend" for a few weeks now. You now the type of friend you are intimate with, but go around introducing to people as: "... this is my, uhm....friend". This morning the status got upgraded. It was nice to hear boyfriend. Its friday, I have Tristan, and its all good!
I have always had the travel sickness that I got from the travel bug that bit me when I was in Std 8 (that's grade 10). However, I am having huge issues with travelling for work these days. I used to enjoy it allot because I love to fly and flying anywhere was a big bonus for me. Now I have two little responsibilities at home that I can not just leave on a whim, and because I live alone, I have nobody to look after them once a month, for a week at a time. It is very conflicting for me because it is part of my current job to travel to Joburg and Durban once a month, but I have nobody to watch my dogs and feed them while I am gone. Am I being unreasonable trying to limit my travel to only necessary trips? AND then there is the issue of being away from home and the muffin man for so long. The travel bug is meant to be for a once a year itch only....
I love having my arm tickled while watching TV. I love getting foot massages, but only from people I know. I love going to sleep with you in my arms. I love waking up with you in my arms. I love jeans that show off nice bubble butts. I love walking with my dogs in the forest, on the mountain, on the beach, on the promenade. Vanilla. I love the smell of vanilla in everything, except for incense, I love Sandalwood incense. I love driving a bakkie. I love going to the movies, and holding hands in the dark. I love dancing. I love waking up to the rain outside. I love rain at night. I love rainy weather on a weekend. I love running in the rain. I love the snow and making snow angels in the snow. I love to travel. I love my dogs. I love kissing.
Why do the IT guys always blame you when they make mistakes. Got my laptop reformatted, granted it was because I downloaded so much stuff that is got all messed up, but then when they reformatted it, they wiped all my documents and work folder off, and replaced with with my collegues. When I point this out to them, I get the : "did you make backups of your stuff". ITS NOT MY JOB. they should make the correct bakc ups and load the correct stuff. I want to vomit.
Last night was hot. I was sweaty and couldnt really sleep, but had a very comforting feeling the whole night. I was holding you, and it was nice. Today started ruff and its going even worse. I need some of that Jacob-converstaion.
I went back to gym again today for the first time in about 2 weeks. Decided to change my routine, jsut for today, to go at night after work. CLEARLY with an laterior motive. Got to gm and started my usual training program, which I have been doing now for about 2 years (I know its time to change the program), but my hawk eyes were scanning the floor, upstairs, downstairs, weights area, cardio area. The gym was empty. At 17:15, the gym was empty. then eventually, as I was about to leave, Bruce informed me that the gym had all of a sudden become so full, that you could not move. I immediately lost my guts. You know the feeling where you get this sensation in your lower tummy, like you have had too many dried peaches for lunch. I was like a school boy with his first crush. Smiling, actually grinning, nervous, excited, happy. That lasted about 1.5 minutes, as I left and you were just getting started. This slipstream is exciting my so much, and I dont want to stop riding.
I have never believed in that crap about absence and fonder and stuff, but I now believe fully in 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. Spent last night with my dogs and slept with only them in the bed and it was nice, but I missed the other body and this morning I woke up and....the heart was fonder. At least there is the lycra one piece at gym tonight.
We all go through life everyday doing things we do, saying things we say, and not caring about what happens after we have done these things, or said these words. I for one have always said that I say what I feel or think, and if someone doesn't like it, its their problem. I am a free thinking, free speaking individual that has my own thoughts and actions. But what if the things we say and do really influence others in a way that is irreparable. What if the Butterfly effect was real, and our actions spiral into a major event with global consequences? I cant believe that much, but what I do believe, is my actions affect those around me. If I sleep away from home one night, my dogs get unsettled, if I say something to a friend, about a friend, they will form an opinion of this friend. So maybe I can learn to just think before I do something, or just think before I say something. I wont change the world, and I will still be a free thinking, free speaking individual, but one with a far reaching, moral and social conscious. I like that.
Woke up this morning, opened the blinds, well got the blinds opened for me, and looked out on the mountain with the sun shining and blue skies. Its almost impossible to believe that yesterday you could not see the mountain because of the low mist and rain. Woke up, after a hard talk, and lied in bed while watching the rugby, while eating muffins and drinking coffee. Nice start to a nice Saturday.
Its Friday and I am supposed to be excited and happy for the weekend, but I have such a mixed feeling in my gut about today. My house is in a mess, and I need to sort it out. I don't get time to go to gym. My dogs are missing me so much and I miss them so much, and every day when I leave for work, I want to cry coz they look so sad. I want to be back in bed where I was last night. I think my energy levels are all screwed up. I feel happy and then sad and then want to cry and then on top of th world, all in one minute. The sun coming out makes me sad, coz I was enjoying the misty weather. I am a mess this morning. I need to just relax and take a deep breath and take everything one step at a time. Phew, that was close....all good.
I sometimes surprise even myself when I realise how easy someone can get under my skin and make me want to slap them the minute they say anything. I work with one of these people. For some reason, every time she speaks, I feel like my skin is melting off my body and my face automatically goes into that mouth turned down corner look, as if she just shat on the desk. I am not sure what it is about her, but I sometimes get this feeling with people I like even. Sometimes there is just something they do, or something they say that makes me want to hit the living shits out of them. I hope I am not alone in this, and that there are other people who feel the same way, from time to time.
I have always loved the airport. Apart from the obvious fact that being at the airport has always led to some sort of trip or journey I am about to undertake, but also because the airport is a fascinating place where people of all walks of life, and with very different reasons come together in one place. Of course watching them adds to the excitement of being at the airport. There are the serious business men and woman, dressed in their power suits and slicked back hair, busy doing deals on international level which may or may not influence the economic status of some small country in mid Africa. Then there are the not so serious business men, who went on a sales conference to sun city, and is now returning to Bloemfontein after a "lekker" drinking weekend. There are also the inspirational speaker, who is traveling to Cape Town in order to teach a group of people in Noordhoek, how to release the chakra of the fifth eye, in a four day long seminar of meditation, and she is now busy rehearsing her speech on the airport, flash cards and all. Then there is the family of Indians: Mother, father, 2 daughters, 3 sons, the fathers mother, the mothers sister, the sisters cousin, and the uncle who dropped them at the airport. They are all going on holiday to Johannesburg, and packed enough because they may never come back again. There are also the lone travelers, who are on their way to see a lover, a sister, a friend, and are sitting in the furthest corner on a seat with nobody next to them. They are reading a book and have their ipod earphones on.
All these people are here for the same reason. To cram themselves and all their luggage into a long steel cylinder, that will take off on four checkers trolley wheels, and then fly to a destination of their choice. And it is great to watch them deal, panic, talk, cry, sit, read, listen and eat while they eat.
I am never quite sure where I belong in this expanse of a world of ours. I have many good friends, and have had many good times in various overseas countries. I have my family and emotional base in Jozi. I have made very good friends in Durban, yet I live in Cape Town. Maybe it is because at this moment in my life, I am very happy to be in Cape Town. I have my two dogs, I have good friends (even if they come and go all the time), and I am being missed, and I miss when I go away. So for now I am living, working and experiencing in Cape Town. And it is nice.
Its Tuesday night, I have one more night in Durban. Tomorrow night I get home and then on Thursday is jumping time!!!! I am almost home, almost with Lucca and Leche, almost back to have tea with Bruce, almost home to taste that frozen chocolate muffin, almost home to speak to Richard about my insecurities, almost home to see the show with Kate. See you Thursday Cape Town.
My heart is aching for little Tuesday. I am not and have never been a cat person. I love dogs and want only dogs as pets. Three years ago I got to know little Tuesday, a cat that came as part of the package and he crept into my heart from day one. He used to sleep on my lap while I was watching TV, or when I was in the sun. He used to curl up in a bundle at the end of the bed at night. Eventually we got Lucca and after a few days, the two of them became good friends. We moved and got Nero and for a long time they were all getting along swimmingly, or runningly or something. One day, Tuesday did not come for his morning feeding and after he did not turn up later that evening, I began to worry, and got very upset. I kept on thinking how he might be in a ditch bleeding or dying. We went around the neighborhood asking everybody if they have seen him. I could not eat, I was nauseous, I could not sleep I was so worried about Tuesday. He came home that night around 1am, and I was so happy to see him that I cried. He did this again after that time, but stayed away for two days. I was beside myself. eventually he pitched up again. Now he is unhappy again. Nero got a friend (Puma), and for some reason Tuesday is scared of them and wont come out from under the bed. I wish I could take him into my house, but I would not be able to give him the time and love he needs. I also have two dogs, and they are manic. I miss him so much and my heart is so sore for Tuesday. I wish I could take him in.
Well, I have now lost my voice, I am ALONE in a huge bed in a very cool guest house, I miss my dogs, I miss the muffins, and the muffin man, work is tiring, I want to be home, Tuesday needs a new home, but I have met new friends from all over the country. Durban has its good and its bad.
Sometimes things happen in your life that can be defined as Life Changing Experiences (LCE). If you are lucky, these LCE's are not preceded by a traumatic or life threatening incident. However, in most instances, this is the case. It can be something like being diagnosed with cancer, or by surviving a near death experience. Its then that you start to rethink your life and appreciate it more. Sometimes, with a select few, it is something much more traumatic, en sometimes even death that changes not only your life, but that of your family, friends and surroundings dramatically. You could be driving along to see a friend in recovery and sue to an accident, have your mother die in the car you were driving. You could be on your way to school, and due to a reckless driver, be disabled for the rest of your life. Its now that you start to think about your life, and how you are wasting it. You make dramatic changes and start living a more productive and 'clean' life. What you don't realise immediately, is how it affects your relationships, lifestyle and way of thinking for ever. It alters everything you ever knew and believed about yourself and you will never be the same again. So why do we have to wait for LCE's before we re-look our lives and make the changes we need to. Take life by the horns and start to make those changes for the better without having to loose someone you care for, or even worse, before you loose yourself.
So its the first night away from home, I am getting ready to grab a bite to eat, and then head off to some swanky party as part of the Indaba thing. Guest house is really nice and friendly people. I am feeling sicker because of the flight, and I am missing the chocolate muffins, and the baker. Wish I was on the couch under the blanket with you eating chocolate muffins.
Its a real winters day, and I am sitting with my Barcelona beanie on in the office, but I still don't look as hot in it. ;-) This weather always makes me a little melancholy, so I started thinking about Bruce and Kismet. No, I am not in love with Bruce, although he is MADLY in love with me. JOKES. I am of course referring to rejection. It is the worse thing in the world. There is truly nothing worse than that....Well except maybe for getting your nether region caught in a vice, but how that will ever happen, I am not sure. I have introduced Bruce to the word Kismet, but I am a little weary of using it myself. When is it Kismet that you are with someone. When is it pre-ordained, when do we hand it over to our Higher Power and "let go, and let God"?
I strongly believe in soul mates, but I am not sure I believe in Kismet. The odds are too high. I find it difficult that destiny, or the universe or our Higher Power has put every single persons soul mate in the same city or even country as them, as about 90% of humans only ever date people in their own city. Think about it. Everybody in the world has their soul mate in the same place as them. Its just not possible Linda!!!!
So where does this all lead me to? I think Kismet is a nice way to keep us occupied until we meet someone that we can be with for the rest of our lives. Some of us are lucky enough to have met their soul mates, and an even smaller percentage of us are lucky enough to have their soul mate as their love partner (but thats a whole other Oprah story). So my advise is....just keep swimming, just keep swimming...keep on that dating train and keep meeting people and keep on getting your heart broken. I for one would not want to be with someone whose heart is still in tact. They will not know how to fell, how to cry, how to fear, how to live, and I dont want to have a partner who cant feel anything. Soul mate or Love mate.
Last night was nice, but as usual the dogs took over the bed and it turned a little ugly. I have to teach them to sleep in their own beds. The problem is I have been single for so long that my only solace at night are those two little buggers. I think that is the problem at the moment. I have to get used to being with someone again. Its been a very long time since I had someone sleep in my bed, and it feels very good, but still a little strange. I don't know how to react when someone else moves, I lie awake a lot trying to keep the dogs away and trying to keep them comfy. I get soooo hot sooo fast and i sweat like a race horse heading for hell. I have to get over myself or get some therapy!
So for everybody that is interested, here follows the chronicles of Lucca's bites over the past year:
June 2007: The first time. De Waal Park. It was traumatic for Lucca but even more so for me. Some mixed breed mongrel thing chased him around and when I saw the chasing is getting a little too intense, I tried to pick Lucca up. That was when the other dog bit him, and hung on. I eventually had to hit it on the head to get it off. After advise from other dog owners in the park, I got the owners details whose reaction was : "but are you sure my dog actually bit yours.".......no him hanging onto my dogs skin was my imagination. I got hysterical and swore her and her dog so that all the water in all the oceans would never be able to cleanse them again.
February 2008: De Waal Park. We just got to the park on this sunny afternoon. Lucca did his usual running around and as he ran past a big Lab / Retriever looking dog, the dog just nipped at him, and in the run-by, took a bite out of him. I again, in a state, went to the owner and got her details. She was much nicer and said she would pay for the vet bill, but I had to take Lucca to her vet. I didn't because Lucca's doctor knows him and knows how he reacts.
March 2008: Mouille Point Promenade. The second would had barely healed, when we were walking on the promenade, and there was a Border Collie who was playing with his ball. Lucca saw the game and started to play with the Collie. The Collie did not like this and nipped him once over the face, and once on the back leg. Another open wound. This time I was much more relaxed and the owner of the Collie paid me without even asking any questions.
April 2008: Mouille Point Promenade. Not even a month after the third bite, we were on our way back to the car when another run-by bite occurred. This time neither Lucca nor I were phased. We both just walked to the car and went home.
Its not going to take long before you can read the entire encyclopaedia in brail on my dogs
I have amazing friends. Friends who live with me and live in my life. Friends who go out with me and make it fun. Friends who I speak to online and make me feel REAL good. Friends who I speak to once a month in other countries that I miss. Friends who I have intense conversations with about butch or not. Friends who I love and whom I will never change for anything, and whom I will die for.
That nice and calming tune my cell phone played this morning to wake me up, was everything BUT calming. I could not believe it was time to wake up. I had hardly slept. Coming to work after having all those days off, was like marching straight for the ovens at Auschwitz. I know thats harsh but I could not imagine anything worse than being back at work today. At least I have something to look forward to tonight at home ;-). My Wednesday has turned into a Monday, and I cant be here....Ok...so now I have vented, I feel better and I can now continue with my job. Yea I love my job!!!! I also love my unexplained mood swings...(Libra)
I like having my bed back again, with just myself, Lucca and Leche in it. It is extremely difficult to try and sleep next to someone while you are constantly conscious of the fact that you want to do anything in the world not to touch them. Believe me, I have done that for two months and don't want to go back there again. But as nice as it is to have that sleeping obstacle out of the way, it would have been 500 times nicer to have my arms around someone, and to wake up tomorrow morning with that someone in my arms. Of course I cant guarantee Lucca and Lechee wont be in the picture, but at least we will hold each other. So I sleep tonight, by myself at the moment (both dogs have decided to join Bruce rather than their own owner), and go through tomorrow at working waiting and hoping for that sleep-in-arm action tomorrow night. Who knows!
This has been an amazing long weekend. I took a drive through a very nice part of the Western Cape (Route 62). I stayed over in two wonderful places. I made a new friend. I met a new person. I felt good about myself. I felt wanted. I learnt something about myself. I had green curry. Its been a roller coaster of a ride but I loved it. Now what is left. Work, travel away from home, missing my dogs, missing time spent with friends, but at least when I come back, there will be someone waiting for me....I hope so.
There are so many things ending in my life. People moving out. Holidays ending. Visits ending. It makes me think about what I need to end. I need to end my writing. I need to end my wall building. Time is running out for me remembering. I need to end it before its finished.
The rain that fell today, washes the world clean and makes way for new life. New things to happen and new adventures. The rain makes it all fresh and new. So its fitting that the rain also makes space for new life to grow in my soul. Maybe its like a flower that blooms for a few days and then starts to wither, maybe its like a tree that grows and lives and will be around forever. Whatever it is, I will appreciate it for the beauty it brings in my life and the joy it creates for now. If it lasts then there is much to appreciate, if it withers, then at least I had the few moments of new life and excitement in my life. The new rain brings new life.
I have been spending the past week trying to not think about the departure of my newly found house mates. To not think about the times we spent together after our individual day drinking some tea in the living room. To not think about the candle light dinners and the intense conversations on Wednesdays when Eskom improved their customer service. So I did the best I could do, and went away while they moved out. It is very comforting to know however, that these two house mates have been replaced by another house mate. One to start new cups of tea with after our individual days, one to start new intense conversations and candle lit dinners on Wednesdays. As for the other two, well lets just say they have now created a new venue for our continued intense conversations, and also just for some good old R&R. I love a full house of people. It fills me up and it makes me happy to have noise and traffic and different opinions. Good buy Kitty and Foreigner, hallo Brucie.
Ok, its been a few days since I have said anything, but that is because I have been out of touch with humanity for two days. Spend the night at a really nice game reserve near Oudshoorn. Tonight I am staying in a very tranquil place in Swellendam called Bloomestate, in the Earth room. It is here that I had a very intense and defining conversation with my guest from London. We spoke about various issues around the heart but mostly about 'the right person' for all of us. He expressed to me how he was fed up with the community and with finding a partner and it is as if there is nobody for him. Of all the many wisdoms that I imparted on him, the wisest I have to admit came from my friend Darrel. He once told me the story of the lock and the key. In life, you have a lock and you have a key. Sometimes the key does not fit into the lock at all. It doesn't even want to go in. Sometimes the key goes all the way in the lock and you get happy coz you think this is the right one, but then the key doesn't want to turn, so its not the right combination. Sometimes the key struggles to go in or it goes in half way into the lock, so it still not the right combination. Then when you find the right key and the right lock, the key will just glide into the lock and unlock it without any hassle. That's when you know you have the right combination. The problem however arises in the fact that there are hundreds and thousands of locks and even more keys. Finding the right key with the right lock, means you have to try to shove many keys into many locks, until you get the right combination, so keep on trying guys, that right lock is out there.