Durban

Well, I have now lost my voice, I am ALONE in a huge bed in a very cool guest house, I miss my dogs, I miss the muffins, and the muffin man, work is tiring, I want to be home, Tuesday needs a new home, but I have met new friends from all over the country. Durban has its good and its bad.

L.C.E.

Sometimes things happen in your life that can be defined as Life Changing Experiences (LCE). If you are lucky, these LCE's are not preceded by a traumatic or life threatening incident. However, in most instances, this is the case. It can be something like being diagnosed with cancer, or by surviving a near death experience. Its then that you start to rethink your life and appreciate it more. Sometimes, with a select few, it is something much more traumatic, en sometimes even death that changes not only your life, but that of your family, friends and surroundings dramatically. You could be driving along to see a friend in recovery and sue to an accident, have your mother die in the car you were driving. You could be on your way to school, and due to a reckless driver, be disabled for the rest of your life. Its now that you start to think about your life, and how you are wasting it. You make dramatic changes and start living a more productive and 'clean' life. What you don't realise immediately, is how it affects your relationships, lifestyle and way of thinking for ever. It alters everything you ever knew and believed about yourself and you will never be the same again. So why do we have to wait for LCE's before we re-look our lives and make the changes we need to. Take life by the horns and start to make those changes for the better without having to loose someone you care for, or even worse, before you loose yourself.

Saturday in Durban

So its the first night away from home, I am getting ready to grab a bite to eat, and then head off to some swanky party as part of the Indaba thing. Guest house is really nice and friendly people. I am feeling sicker because of the flight, and I am missing the chocolate muffins, and the baker. Wish I was on the couch under the blanket with you eating chocolate muffins.

See you soon

Today's Rumi

Exalted Truth imposes
upon us heat and cold,
grief and pain, terror and
weakness of wealth and
body together, so that the
coin of our innermost
being becomes evident.

- Rumi

Kismet

Its a real winters day, and I am sitting with my Barcelona beanie on in the office, but I still don't look as hot in it. ;-) This weather always makes me a little melancholy, so I started thinking about Bruce and Kismet. No, I am not in love with Bruce, although he is MADLY in love with me. JOKES. I am of course referring to rejection. It is the worse thing in the world. There is truly nothing worse than that....Well except maybe for getting your nether region caught in a vice, but how that will ever happen, I am not sure. I have introduced Bruce to the word Kismet, but I am a little weary of using it myself. When is it Kismet that you are with someone. When is it pre-ordained, when do we hand it over to our Higher Power and "let go, and let God"?

I strongly believe in soul mates, but I am not sure I believe in Kismet. The odds are too high. I find it difficult that destiny, or the universe or our Higher Power has put every single persons soul mate in the same city or even country as them, as about 90% of humans only ever date people in their own city. Think about it. Everybody in the world has their soul mate in the same place as them. Its just not possible Linda!!!!

So where does this all lead me to? I think Kismet is a nice way to keep us occupied until we meet someone that we can be with for the rest of our lives. Some of us are lucky enough to have met their soul mates, and an even smaller percentage of us are lucky enough to have their soul mate as their love partner (but thats a whole other Oprah story). So my advise is....just keep swimming, just keep swimming...keep on that dating train and keep meeting people and keep on getting your heart broken. I for one would not want to be with someone whose heart is still in tact. They will not know how to fell, how to cry, how to fear, how to live, and I dont want to have a partner who cant feel anything. Soul mate or Love mate.

Today's Rumi

Don't grieve. Anything
you lose comes round in
another form.

- Rumi

Sleepovers

Last night was nice, but as usual the dogs took over the bed and it turned a little ugly. I have to teach them to sleep in their own beds. The problem is I have been single for so long that my only solace at night are those two little buggers. I think that is the problem at the moment. I have to get used to being with someone again. Its been a very long time since I had someone sleep in my bed, and it feels very good, but still a little strange. I don't know how to react when someone else moves, I lie awake a lot trying to keep the dogs away and trying to keep them comfy. I get soooo hot sooo fast and i sweat like a race horse heading for hell. I have to get over myself or get some therapy!

The Chronicles of Lucca

So for everybody that is interested, here follows the chronicles of Lucca's bites over the past year:

June 2007:
The first time. De Waal Park. It was traumatic for Lucca but even more so for me. Some mixed breed mongrel thing chased him around and when I saw the chasing is getting a little too intense, I tried to pick Lucca up. That was when the other dog bit him, and hung on. I eventually had to hit it on the head to get it off. After advise from other dog owners in the park, I got the owners details whose reaction was : "but are you sure my dog actually bit yours.".......no him hanging onto my dogs skin was my imagination. I got hysterical and swore her and her dog so that all the water in all the oceans would never be able to cleanse them again.

February 2008:
De Waal Park. We just got to the park on this sunny afternoon. Lucca did his usual running around and as he ran past a big Lab / Retriever looking dog, the dog just nipped at him, and in the run-by, took a bite out of him. I again, in a state, went to the owner and got her details. She was much nicer and said she would pay for the vet bill, but I had to take Lucca to her vet. I didn't because Lucca's doctor knows him and knows how he reacts.

March 2008:
Mouille Point Promenade. The second would had barely healed, when we were walking on the promenade, and there was a Border Collie who was playing with his ball. Lucca saw the game and started to play with the Collie. The Collie did not like this and nipped him once over the face, and once on the back leg. Another open wound. This time I was much more relaxed and the owner of the Collie paid me without even asking any questions.

April 2008:
Mouille Point Promenade. Not even a month after the third bite, we were on our way back to the car when another run-by bite occurred. This time neither Lucca nor I were phased. We both just walked to the car and went home.

Its not going to take long before you can read the entire encyclopaedia in brail on my dogs

My Friends

I have amazing friends.
Friends who live with me and live in my life.
Friends who go out with me and make it fun.
Friends who I speak to online and make me feel REAL good.
Friends who I speak to once a month in other countries that I miss.
Friends who I have intense conversations with about butch or not.
Friends who I love and whom I will never change for anything, and whom I will die for.

Today's Rumi

The tale of love must be heard from love itself. For like a mirror it is both mute and expressive.

- Rumi

Wednesday like Monday

That nice and calming tune my cell phone played this morning to wake me up, was everything BUT calming. I could not believe it was time to wake up. I had hardly slept. Coming to work after having all those days off, was like marching straight for the ovens at Auschwitz. I know thats harsh but I could not imagine anything worse than being back at work today. At least I have something to look forward to tonight at home ;-). My Wednesday has turned into a Monday, and I cant be here....Ok...so now I have vented, I feel better and I can now continue with my job. Yea I love my job!!!! I also love my unexplained mood swings...(Libra)

Kitty, the disease is becoming terminal

My Bed

I like having my bed back again, with just myself, Lucca and Leche in it. It is extremely difficult to try and sleep next to someone while you are constantly conscious of the fact that you want to do anything in the world not to touch them. Believe me, I have done that for two months and don't want to go back there again. But as nice as it is to have that sleeping obstacle out of the way, it would have been 500 times nicer to have my arms around someone, and to wake up tomorrow morning with that someone in my arms. Of course I cant guarantee Lucca and Lechee wont be in the picture, but at least we will hold each other. So I sleep tonight, by myself at the moment (both dogs have decided to join Bruce rather than their own owner), and go through tomorrow at working waiting and hoping for that sleep-in-arm action tomorrow night. Who knows!

Today's Rumi - Keep on bringing it Bruce

You have a duty to
perform. Do anything else,
do any number of things,
occupy your time fully,
and yet, if you do not do
this task, all your time will
have been wasted.

- Rumi

Long weekend

This has been an amazing long weekend. I took a drive through a very nice part of the Western Cape (Route 62). I stayed over in two wonderful places. I made a new friend. I met a new person. I felt good about myself. I felt wanted. I learnt something about myself. I had green curry. Its been a roller coaster of a ride but I loved it. Now what is left. Work, travel away from home, missing my dogs, missing time spent with friends, but at least when I come back, there will be someone waiting for me....I hope so.

Time running out

There are so many things ending in my life. People moving out. Holidays ending. Visits ending. It makes me think about what I need to end. I need to end my writing. I need to end my wall building. Time is running out for me remembering. I need to end it before its finished.

New life

The rain that fell today, washes the world clean and makes way for new life. New things to happen and new adventures. The rain makes it all fresh and new. So its fitting that the rain also makes space for new life to grow in my soul. Maybe its like a flower that blooms for a few days and then starts to wither, maybe its like a tree that grows and lives and will be around forever. Whatever it is, I will appreciate it for the beauty it brings in my life and the joy it creates for now. If it lasts then there is much to appreciate, if it withers, then at least I had the few moments of new life and excitement in my life. The new rain brings new life.

Let it rain down

Today's Rumi

Stay in the company of lovers.
Those other kinds of people, they each
want to show you something.

A crow will lead you to an empty barn,
A parrot to sugar.

- Rumi

Full House

I have been spending the past week trying to not think about the departure of my newly found house mates. To not think about the times we spent together after our individual day drinking some tea in the living room. To not think about the candle light dinners and the intense conversations on Wednesdays when Eskom improved their customer service. So I did the best I could do, and went away while they moved out. It is very comforting to know however, that these two house mates have been replaced by another house mate. One to start new cups of tea with after our individual days, one to start new intense conversations and candle lit dinners on Wednesdays. As for the other two, well lets just say they have now created a new venue for our continued intense conversations, and also just for some good old R&R. I love a full house of people. It fills me up and it makes me happy to have noise and traffic and different opinions. Good buy Kitty and Foreigner, hallo Brucie.

Lock and Key

Ok, its been a few days since I have said anything, but that is because I have been out of touch with humanity for two days. Spend the night at a really nice game reserve near Oudshoorn. Tonight I am staying in a very tranquil place in Swellendam called Bloomestate, in the Earth room. It is here that I had a very intense and defining conversation with my guest from London. We spoke about various issues around the heart but mostly about 'the right person' for all of us. He expressed to me how he was fed up with the community and with finding a partner and it is as if there is nobody for him. Of all the many wisdoms that I imparted on him, the wisest I have to admit came from my friend Darrel. He once told me the story of the lock and the key. In life, you have a lock and you have a key. Sometimes the key does not fit into the lock at all. It doesn't even want to go in. Sometimes the key goes all the way in the lock and you get happy coz you think this is the right one, but then the key doesn't want to turn, so its not the right combination. Sometimes the key struggles to go in or it goes in half way into the lock, so it still not the right combination. Then when you find the right key and the right lock, the key will just glide into the lock and unlock it without any hassle. That's when you know you have the right combination. The problem however arises in the fact that there are hundreds and thousands of locks and even more keys. Finding the right key with the right lock, means you have to try to shove many keys into many locks, until you get the right combination, so keep on trying guys, that right lock is out there.