Laughs with my sister

I constantly make jokes about and make light of my sisters disability. Its the only way I can relay it to others, without breaking down and crying my eyes out. Its been a very traumatic time in our families life, and my only coping mechanism would be to make jokes. My sister doesn't mind that, well at least I don't think she minds. None of the jokes are derogatory to her, they are just funny. I had the most amazing time with my sister here this weekend. She is an amazing woman and has done amazing stuff, and I have to bring her back to earth every now and then by joking about her disability, but I love her sooooo much

Weekend

Its Friday afternoon around 14:30 and I am so excited as my sister is arriving for the weekend this evening. She is come to visit us for 2 days as a belated birthday present. I cant wait for her to arrive and meet Tristan and all my friends. Its going to be a good weekend, coz it is going to start with a walk along the promenade with the dogs.

YEA WEEKEND!!!

What makes me feel good about myself

I was asked this question by someone last night, and I took most of the evening to think about that. The problem is that there are many many things that I enjoy and that I am passionate about. Travelling is one of them. I love the thrill of getting on a 8+ hour flight to another country, and being in the foreign country and being among other cultures and nations. I love rainy weather. When its cold and rainy I am much more excited and happy. My dogs make me feel good about myself, and just like children, nobody can say anything bad about them to me. I love Africa and African things. When I hear African music my heart swells and my eyes fog up. Angels make me happy. Having them around me all the time makes me feel good. I like having someone to love and spoil. That makes me feel good.

The question is though: What is that one thing that makes me feel good about myself. That one thing that I am so passionate about, that I cant breathe when I talk about it, or I get so excited about it that I cant stop talking. What is that one thing that gives meaning to my life?

I don't think I have found it yet. The closest I get is when I speak about my sister and her amazing life, but not even that is the one thing that makes me feel good about myself.

Time running out

There are so many things ending in my life. People moving out. Holidays ending. Visits ending. It makes me think about what I need to end. I need to end my writing. I need to end my wall building. Time is running out for me remembering. I need to end it before its finished.

I look at my hands, two of them, gripping my dogs and playing with them. I look at my feet, two of them, walking on the promenade for hours with no pain. I listen to my voice, clear and crisp, talking to others. I am fine, I am healthy, I am whole.

I look at your hands, one closed one open. You cant hold your own child with open hands. I look at your feet, one walking one dragging. A daily walk for me is a gargantuan struggle for you. I hear you speak and listen to the muffled slurred speech.

Locked-in syndrome. Does it mean locked in your body only, or does it mean locked in a body that isn't yours. I think I finally understand what it is to wake up in the morning and leave half your body in bed. The struggle of getting people to understand you, to accept you, to respect you. To be you inside you, but not you that you should be.

With this broken, shattered body, you still mange to inspire people, to love people, to cherish people, to respect people, to prove people wrong, to make people Believe. I am those people.

I want to inspire like you do
I want to love like you do
I want to cherish like you do
I want to respect like you do
I want to believe like you do

Yolanda, you are my one constant star of Bethlehem, and I love you till the end of time.